On insomnia, planning, and anxiety.

It's becoming obvious that being financially stable is not the be-all end-all of nervousness. And, being engaged has had some interesting effects--notably a more pointed feeling of insufficiency and a lack of self control. I have a hard enough time getting my mind to slow down to sleep as it is, and neither of these really help.
Last night as I struggled against wakefulness, the old promise came into my head -- Be still, and know that I am God. Except that meant a much, much, much different thing to me than it ever did. The statement 'I am God' rattled my whole being and grew and grew and grew, and I was terrified. A great and dreadful hand grabbed my bed in its palm and lifted it. I am God, it said. And as I began to understand the Bigness that held me and my sleepless mattress in its terrifying palm, it grew larger and pulled me out of my house and held me one hundred feet above the ground. I am God. I looked down and then into the Great Face that looked on me with its huge and terrible eyes. I looked back down to the ground and was as high as if I'd been in an airplane. I looked back to the Great Face, and to the hand that held me, and it continued to grow.
The Hand continued to lift me and I watched the ground grow further away--out of its orbit, out of the solar system, out of the galaxy, until all the universe was too small to notice. My bed now sat on a ridge of the Great Hand's fingerprint. From a thousand thousands of miles away, the Great Face still looked as if it were right before me.
You don't understand, it said.
I am God.

Oh, be still, be still, be still.

Fiance Knowles

If you like it, put a ring on it.

Employmentville, USA

I have my orientation for the Barnes & Noble Cafe tomorrow evening.
Hurrah!
Now after I get some paychecks under my belt, I can start doing things with my life.
But until then, I've got some things to do.
Like finish an album.
Or finish the Brothers Karamazov
Or tease my girlfriend.

I am very thankful for new beginnings.

And, for mixtapes.
Multitrack Sneakattack, vol VIII: Otto Octavius' Top Picks

Nyah, See. Nyah

Alright,so here's how the story goes.

I moved to Chicago a few months ago, and it was, without exaggeration, the saddest period of my life. I was constantly worrying about money and finding a job while missing Michelle and my family and everyone else that I left in South Bend. But really, I was fine with living in Chicago, I told myself. I just needed to find a job and make some more friends and I wouldn't be so down about it. I started going to an open mic night at a bar and to a church, and I started making friends. Then I found a job with a tutoring company--a very fulfilling position--and made more friends there.
But, hold the phone: I still wasn't happy living there. All sorts of things about living in the city just grated on me--traffic, noise, the hurriedness--and there were all sorts of things back at home that I missed--most notably, the art community that some of my college friends began to put together that I couldn't be a part of in Chicago. I did some soul searching and admitted to myself (and others around me) that the only reason I felt so sure that God led me to Chicago was because He didn't stop me from coming, and that part of me was afraid that if I were to stop and think and pray about the move in the first place, I might have to admit that it wasn't for me, nullifying months of anticipation and telling people about it, and that most of the reason I was planning on staying in Chicago was because I didn't want to admit defeat to the city. Those aren't really good reasons though, so I made plans to move back in December (or March, depending when and who you ask.)
Last week, after coming back to work after a week off of recruiting, I asked my manager when tutoring would start. He responded that it was up in the air because the Chicago Public School district had made a huge number of budget cuts, reducing our company by 60%. At the end of the day, he couldn't tell me whether or not I would have a job in a week. So I went back and talked it over with my roommates, and we came to an agreement we were all happy with. The next day (Thursday) I started packing. Friday, I loaded up my van and took half of my stuff back home and cleared out a space in the bedroom/storageclosetIuseasabedroom. Michelle came after work with two frozen pizzas, cookies, strawberries, and a bottle of wine. The next day, we both went back to Chicago and loaded up the rest of my stuff and talked with Kriss and Mellie (who have borne the burden of my fiscal irresponsibility and flightiness much more than anyone the past few months, and have been patient enough with me that our friendship is still intact. Try asking that of anyone else) a little before we left, leaving 1523 N Campbell as my place of residence. Then on the way back, it was my turn to buy pizza.

Two months ago, it wouldn't have been good for me to move back at all. I would have been coming back defeated with my tail between my legs and a five dollar bill in my pocket. But now, having looked at my circumstances and decisions long and hard, I'm at peace with coming back. Now, I have to find a job and raise money for my own place in the next couple months. And I'm fine with that.
And now, YOU just have to download the zip file for the weekly mix and load it up. No more arranging the songs on your own, folks.

Multitrack Sneakattack, Vol VII: Nathaniel Strikes Back!

So long, Mr. Pua.

Spoiledsport

This past week spoiled me way too much.
I didn't really think about coming back to Chicago until last night, and I was just as content as anyone to just stay there. But, I still have things to do in Chicago until I move back, and I need to focus on living here for now. It will be a good two months.
Yesterday was Michelle and my fivemonthiversary. I couldn't ask for a better woman to have shared the past five months with. A few of those months have been filled with the hardest lessons I've ever learned--especially the lesson of becoming a grown up. She's been so patient with me through all of my incredulity and impatience and immaturity and fiscal irresponsibility and insecurity and feelings of inadequacy and...
everything.
She's going to be on the news tonight. I wish I could see it.

But, at least I have a project to keep me busy until November. I've got to finish that album. I only have two songs to go, and a drum track on another. Then I'll be adding little flourishes and mixing it to perfection. Definitely shouldn't take me more than two weeks, as long as I kick my rear in gear.