Reminders and Remainders

The snow reminds me of last Christmas. Last Christmas reminds me of Port Huron. Port Huron reminds me of this summer. This summer, Port Huron, and last Christmas all remind me of being in love.
Being in love reminds me of the reasons I had to be who I need to be.

And that reminds me of the tension of who I am now and who I could be, have been, and must be again.

I must, I must, I must be again.

I've Always Enjoyed the Album "Plans" by Death Cab For Cutie

Speaking of plans, it's time I got some of my own. Last night, I sat down and thought for a while about what exactly I would do when I get out of college. The closest thing to a plan I have is to go on a trip to Israel for two weeks in June. So I asked some people. Chris Stackowicz, head of the art department, suggested grad school at U of Chicago in Cultural Studies. I told him that the idea was to get OUT of school. He then suggested the Peace Core--something I'd considered before. But two years is a long time, no matter what you spend it doing. And anyways, I don't feel that's what I'm supposed to do. But what could I do? Stack said I should focus on making connections, which would give me more opportunties later on. I told him that I'd consider his suggestions.
Then, there's the age old question of Europe. YWAM in France? Then there's the possibility of teaching English abroad. People always talk about Korea...but why not France? I want to go there anyway.
Or Emmaus. Or Jesus People. Or some other minsitry in Chicago. I just can't get away from Chicago..

There's something else I can't get away from.

The night I met Christ, the speaker was praying for me afterward. As he was saying all of these things pertaining to my life, he said, "I sense a strong gift of music...I wonder how He's going to use that..."

Two months ago, Josh Sabo told me that there was a line I had to cross, and I said I'd do that. It's proved slower in crossing than I intended, but I still intend to cross it.

Last night, I called my friend Nick for advice on whether or not to buy a new guitar. At one point, he said, "You know how you got disappointed in me for switching to art from Youth Ministry? How I had a gift and a talent, and I wasn't using it?"
I said, "Yeah..."
"That's how Josh Sabo and I feel about you and your music."

Oh.

Jonathan Seller, young adult pastor at Colonial Woods and graduate of Moody Bible Institute is staying at my house as he takes a graduate class. We were talking, and he talked about how a lot of Moody grads get jobs at one of the 30+ Starbucks in the area near Moody and an apartment and just go from there. And with that many Starbucks...es, they're almost always hiring.

So maybe I could do that. Chicago Barista by day...
Musician by night. And day.

It's scary, but I want to go for it. I want to go for it.
I want to go for it.

Mustard Seed

This is a verse from a song I've been working on. I haven't gotten anymore than this.

The Kingdom of the Lord is a mustard seed
That fell into the garden and became a tree
The animals and birds, they all came to see
They climbed into the branches and they fell asleep.

Progress.

Last weekend, Laura Bulgrien's youth group had a retreat near Traverse City, MI. I was asked to go, and understanding how frightened I was to let God have His way in me, understood that I had to go. (not meaning I was forced....just meaning that I wouldn't allow myself to not go). God is doing amazing things in that group. I'm so thrilled to see where some of those kids will be in two years.

Today, I preached in homiletics class, my main theme being fear of greatness. My fear of letting God have His way was exposed before a class of people that I admire greatly--some of them to the point where I'm also afraid of letting them get close because they challenge me so much. I stepped down from the pulpit and realized when I sat down that I was shaking, but I said what I needed to say, and that is all I could have done. And I am glad for it.

This weekend will break my streak of playing a show every other weekend with Vine Street. It is sad. But I have things I NEED to get done this weekend. And, it'll be nice to have a weekend to just relax--especially after such a busy weekend as the last I had.

I'm getting a better understanding of what it means to be a new creation and a bearer of the Image of God and to be free from sin. They aren't perfect understandings, but they're stepping stones.



Yesterday in the Dining Commons, I was getting cereal, and a girl from Kenya said, "Are you a prayerful man?"
I said, "...what?"
"I hear you are a prayerful man. Someone told me that if I needed something prayed for, to go to you."

I saw her again today while walking to class. She said, "Look, it is the prayerful man."
I told her that I didn't know who said that, or why, because that hasn't been how I have been living lately, and she said, "maybe it was a reminder."

That is so true.

Turn and Face the Strange

I'm sure everyone knows what happened last night. I watched the results roll in, unsurprised. But then, as ABC news rolled clips of different people reacting to the election, and then John McCain's concession speech, and finally President-elect Obama's acceptance speech (perhaps to my family's dismay), I felt hope. Do not get me wrong. I did not endorse Barack Obama as a candidate for the president. He and McCain both had irreconcilable problems with my ideals, obliging me from voting in a system that I already have irreconcilable problems with participating in. But last night on my couch with my housemates, I watched history roll past the television screen. And as I watched, I realized--the game has changed. In the next election, it won't just be the usual suspects. This is the beginning of a new age, one way or another. Years from now, looking at the line of Presidents in history books, there will be a sudden change in their faces and names. And because of that change, and not because of Barack Obama, our nation is the better. One of my managers at work, a black woman named Tina, said, "I am PROUD to be an American today. I never thought I'd see the day. Maybe my children, or probably my grandchildren. But never me." A black friend a year younger than me agreed that not even he expected to see it.
This is the new age.

Subject change.

It's a dark rut I've been caught in these past couple months. I've not fought against inactivity or been passionately pursuing the Kingdom or being vigilant against sin. And I know, I need a change. I need it so badly. I need to take a step out from the mudhole I'm sinking into. And why don't I?

Because I'm terrified to know what God could do with me once He has all of me.

I understand this rut. It's familiar to me. I might not be happy about it all the time, and it may hurt, and I may be indulging in sin, but Christ can forgive sinners, and I am no exception. But to be free from that...to fully understand that I was a bearer of the Image of God first and a sinner second...that is so strange, and so frightening. It's so easy for me to embrace that I am a sinner and that Christ came to forgive me. It's so much harder to understand that I am created in God's image, and Christ came to reconcile that Image in me.

Christ, You terrify me so.

A Native-American spoke in chapel this morning. From some of the things he said, he seemed to be a mystic to an extent, talking about how Creation speaks for its Creator--that leaves and animals and wind all speak for God. And this is something that I've believed for a long time.
But it's been so long since I've sat in the wind and listened.
And I really need to.

The Scariest Prayer to Pray

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart,
Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,
Deliver me, O Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,
Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I,
provided that I may become as holy as I should,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.