March Twenty nine

I have never been more proud of my sister Lyndsey as I was last night. She completely rocked the role of Muzzy in Thoroughly Modern Millie. To be frank, the entire cast rocked Thoroughly Modern Millie last night--but not as much as Lyndsey (in my humble opinion).

Brenden was here this weekend. I missed him dearly, and this visit was very appreciated. Sometimes when I see him after being apart for a long time, it's like I'm seeing his ghost or something. There's just something unfamiliar about him that takes about ten seconds to get used to. It's kind of like when he's gone, I forget that he's real. It's like that with other people sometimes, too--people that I love very much and miss often.

I tried my hand at painting tonight. I've painted often, but only pieces of cardboard that I then glued and stacked to make something. There was no blending involved, and the strokes of the paintbrush were nearly completely neglected. So I've decided to correct this. I painted an owl.




















I am pleased with it.


I keep learning more and more and more and more about Grace. It's amazing. I don't understand it, but I love it.

Tonight,

I saw what love looks like.

A large amount of news in a small amount of time.

The past few days have been filled with a lot.

My emotional capacity seems like it has tripled. When I'm happy, I'm always blisteringly happy. When someone comes to me with a problem, I'm much more easily moved to tears. Just the other day in Biblical Theology, before we prayed at the beginning of class, Dr. Carpenter said, 'Let's take these requests to the Lord. And let's not forget Who it is that we're praying to.' Instantly, tears streamed down my face. Because honestly, I have been forgetting a lot who He is, and the past week or so, I've been reminded in the most peculiar, most ordinary ways.

Last year, a friend told me that she has struggled with homosexuality for most of her life. Then, a couple nights ago, she told me she was having feelings for a friend of hers, and she didn't care that it was wrong, she just wanted a relationship. I was livid, and said a lot of things that I can't believe. I have said before that with tough issues like this, it is best to err on the side of compassion. I wish I would have listened to myself, because now I know what happens when you don't. We reconciled later that night, though. But the most nerve racking part is that she plans on telling her brother tomorrow, and I'm going with for support. If I'm this nervous, I can't even imagine how she must be feeling.

I was walking across campus today, and was just overwhelmed with happiness. I just wanted to run around and sing loudly and dance and weep for joy. And the strange thing is, this superhappiness keeps showing up at the strangest times.

There might be some reasons, or life might just be going very well right now.
Probably some mixture of both.

The Emptiness

There's a strange emptiness in my body every time I get away by myself lately. I'm never sure what it is. It's not exactly a discontent, and it's not exactly a longing. There's just something missing that was there before. I think that it might be that the darkness that has been occupying my life for so long is finally lifting, and this is what freedom feels like. It's not a bad emptiness--it's just strange.

There's a lot of strangeness in my life lately. And not all of it is bad. Not at all. And I'm getting used to it.

I went through some old posts a couple days ago. It was so strange to look back on the things I was thinking and feeling during the days I look back upon as the days of my goodness and strength and see how much I've grown since then--because I have grown. I have come to see God in the ordinary and plain things. I have come to find His thumbprint in my own autonomy. I have found His image in those around me, and I'm learning the grace of judging others exclusively by the best parts of them.

I also used to write much longer blogs. They're a little shorter now.

Music As A Weapon*

Last night I watched a screening of the Invisible Children update. It turns out that just as the peace talks seemed to be working, Joseph Kony (leader of the Lord's Resistance Army) disappeared and attacked the Congo. I watched in pain asking God, 'How can we stop this man without using the same violence that he uses?'

Today in chapel, the speaker spoke against the apathy we have for the poor and lonely and homeless, whose number is growing every day. She challenged us to do something about it. She also quoted Mother Teresa: 'You can do no great thing. Only small things with great love.'
'What will you do?' she asked.
'What can I do about this war?' I asked.

Last night I first began to see the true value of music in activism. Not saying I'm going to write anthems or songs about the terrible things going on in Africa (every time I've tried, it's come out incredibly cheesy). But I can tell others what is going on. I can play benefit shows. I can organize shows at which the film will be screened.
And in regards to the poor and lonely and homeless...what can I do for those in prison or on the street or who have no one? I want to start going out into the streets with a guitar to sit with people and play songs for them. I want to play shows in jails. I just want to use my music to connect with them the same way I use it to connect to others.

I'm so glad I can do this.


*nothing to do with Disturbed or the music festival they host.

...Like I'm something worth holding onto

I'm realizing now that two years of blindly chasing after something I could never have took a drastic toll on my confidence.

I asked for a wound to put my finger into, and all I found was my own.
It's going to take some time to heal this.

Handshakes

Who reacts like that?
Honestly.
;)

Goggles to Protect My Eyes*

My life has been moving pretty quickly this past week. Nothing necessarily of too much note...yet...

I just really like the way my life is going. I've hung out with my friends Megan and Michelle a lot lately, which is always nice. I've missed them a lot.

I'm closing the open stage at Fiddler's Hearth tonight, which means I play last and have an hour long set instead of fifteen minutes. This is literally the highest honor I could receive at Fiddler's Hearth.

I'm recording three albums currently. I love recording...I really do. I really don't like taking multiple takes, though. Especially when I'm already restless (as I am now).

Five weeks until graduation. Thank God.



*see the Office episode Dwight's speech for context

President's Day: A Film.

It's raining. Lightning strikes to reveal the words 'Presidential Cemetery' on the arch the camera then passes through, zooming in on a headstone labeled, 'George Washington.'

A half decomposed hand punches through the wet grass and dirt, followed by the rest of Zombie George Washington. The camera swings around to see the rest of the dead presidents also rising from their graves. Those assassinated still wear their wounds. The zombie presidents stagger out into the street towards Washington D.C.

New scene. Disney's Magic Kingdom. In a large room with cameras monitoring the park's activities, a red telephone rings and is answered by a man in a suit. 'Hello?' he says. The voice on the other line says something that disturbs him. 'Yes, I understand. Right away.' He hangs up the phone.
'Who was that, sir?'
'That was the Pentagon. We have a situation.'
All eyes fasten on him.
'Activate the Hall of Presidents.'

Out of a level area on the floor, a pillar rises about five feet. At chest level is a small glass door with a red button. It is pressed.

Camera on the Hall of Presidents. The animitronic presidents stare blankly in the dark. Suddenly, Robot Washington comes to life. One eye glows red. His right hand is retracted into his arm and is replaced by a laser cannon. Robot Lincoln's left hand retracts and is replaced by a beam sword. Robot Teddy Roosevelt spouts flames out of his mouth. All the robot presidents activate similarly and their shoes turn into rocket shoes, blasting them off towards the nation's capital.

From inside the monitor station, someone asks the man in the suit, 'Sir, do you think it will work?'
'It's our only hope.'

(CUE ZOMBIE PRESIDENTS VS. ROBOT PRESIDENTS FOR THE SWEETEST MOVIE/GRAPHIC NOVEL/TELEVISION SERIES EVER. Also, Dick Cheney is a Cyborg)

Spring Broke

This was a big break, my first taste of touring...and I like it.

I'm recording again...three albums at a time, and one three song EP. I hope to have them done around the time I move to Chicago, but we all know ow good I am with deadlines...

This week, I learned:
I sometimes crap out on God stuff when I'm on break. I read my Bible maybe twice over break (as opposed to the two times a day I try to fit in usually)
If someone yells at me, no matter how upset they are, I will raise my voice back, and I hate it.
Ryan, Ruth, Rebecca, and Rachel at Moody (kind of) are four of the most spontaneous and awesome people you'll ever meet.
My parents' puppy Jethro (Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs FitzGerald) is awesome, and I love him.
When I'm upset with myself, I eat a lot.
Chelsea Henion is a great friend.
I missed Brenden Bell a lot.
I miss Hannahbeth always.
I really like Okkervil River.
The Griffon in South Bend is an incredible book shop.
Sin City is a great movie. It has awakened my love for the noir genre.
If I want to see a movie on opening night and can't find anyone to go with, if I'm in town, I can just go to Movies 14, because everyone I'd go to see the movie with would be there anyway.
The trumpet makes a little bit of sense to me. A little bit.
I just want to graduate and be done with school. I guess the only way to do that is to work hard. But I don't really want to work hard. Meh.

I just want to be done.
I want to be done.
I want to be done.

Please, please, please

Find me out.