A Blanket

I am a five foot seven inch
(tho some say six 'nd half)
twenty two year old little boy
Tryin' hard to act grown up
But I'm terrified to mess up
So nervous I might throw up
And make a big ol' mess all up
In this apartment I just moved into
Where I'll invite and entertain
The most esteemed of guests.
A large book shelf on display
With important records and movies
And books I meant to leaf through
And I drop names from hats
Like Tolstoy or Tolkien
(when in reality, I ain't read either).

Knock, Knock
(look through peephole)
Who's there?
Yourself.
(surprised, confused)
Who?

Someone told me once
'If you catch a cloud,
It's yours forever'
But when I reached out,
was fabric, not a cloud.
Just a clever disguise
to make something not so special
appear fantastic,
Much like the one I wear.

But my dark cloud still hovers there
Right above the ground there
Silver lined with big brown eyes
I step once forward
It steps back twice.
'Forever mine,
forever mine.'

And I've been playing parts on stage
In the dark to lines unmemorized
But isn't my own life improvised
That I should not be so stage shy?
Yet my blocking unrehearsed
Just gives me shaking nerves
And stuttered consonants to a crowd
Of empty seats unlit.
But my audition piece was far too dark
For such a light show as this here farce.

I had a dream I can't remember
Except for something to do with seagulls.

The knocks, they come
Out of peepholes, I watch
And I do not recognize
Who I've been becoming.
And yet I ask,
Is that so bad?

Messages from the REM Cycle

I had a lot of strange dreams last night. In one, I decided to try out for the play after all, but I forgot it was a comedy and not a super depressing drama. But it's okay, because I don't think I would have taken the part anyway. Also, the new theatre professor (a man) had painted his finger nails teal. At the actual play, all of the stage hands decided it would be sweet to do secret agent rolls everywhere (that part came from watching Galaxy Quest last night).

I had a dream before that where there was a small dark cloud hovering right above the ground. I looked to the person next to me (Chelsie Bennett?) and they said, 'if you catch a cloud, it's yours forever.' So I went and tried to catch it, but it was only fabric on wires.

A Statuette

Today marks the official start of the Bethel academic year. I still owe Bethel a couple suitcases filled with hundred dollar bills. I'm not worried about it.

I love my house. I'm very looking forward to living with such an incredible group of men.

There's a kind of emptiness or something inside of me. Despite my thought that I'd already made up my mind before receiving my answer, I continue to wait for that answer, and staying in a state of indecision. It's so incredibly back and forth. I go from knowing the answer one day to being sure of nothing the next. This sort of paralysis has come over me where I can't move because I don't know which way to go, and I so desperately want to avoid making a wrong decision. I asked myself earlier, 'why not err on the side of caution?'

But I've never been one to do that.

I need to be confident. But when I am confident, I fear that I'm too rash. Maybe I am.

A good friend, Greg Neumayer, had some very wise words for me last night. I want to say I got my answer through his wisdom...but I'm always reluctant to receive from God the answer that I wanted to hear.

I hate waiting. That is a fact.

And that's why I have to, I wager.

The Troubadour and the Television

When I returned home from my two months in Michigan, my family had changed houses as I had mentioned. What I hadn't mentioned is that once more, we have satellite television.

I did not particularly mind not having it...I had grown tired of coming home from school only to watch VH1 with my sisters for the entirety of my stay. But television was soon replaced by laptops, and everyone sat in their rooms on facebook, as I sat in the family room with my computer glowing before me, wishing someone would come down and keep me company. So one good thing about the television is that it has brought my sisters and I to a central location once more. However, I don't know how I feel about watching marathons of fashion based programs on the Bravo network.
I already caught myself browsing through online clothing stores. I don't need any more encouragement.

And so, I'm now outside, on the hammock, in the dark, listening to the crickets sing their nightly lullabies. A small barn cat has been prowling around looking for food. I drew her near me and tried to pet her. Naturally, she was skittish and would initially flee at the first sudden movement. Then, she got closer and started rubbing against my hand, then I'd pet her, then she would start playing with me. When I tried to pick her up into the hammock, she ran away, then came back and laid down next to the hammock. Now every time I get close, she play bites me.

It reminds me of someone I know. I won't say who.

I think I may have gotten an answer the other day. But I'm committed to challenging every answer I get until I'm convinced.

Until then, I just wait (worship, adoration, intercession, thanksgiving)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

(edit: the kitty tried to jump into the hammock.)

The Attack of Weddingzilla!!!!

Today, two of my best friends in the entire world (Nick&SoniWayne) had their ceremonial wedding to match the legal document they signed in April. After the wedding was a danceless reception, which was followed by an illegal dance party on Bethel's campus. After that, we migrated to Hannahbeth's house for the afterparty, complete with brinner. After the after party was the bonfire, which just ended half an hour ago.

The past few days have been busy, stressful, frustrating, stretching, and incredible. After calling Soni 'Bridezilla' a few times, we then commenced to add 'zilla' to every position. Such as brotherofthebride-zilla, Honorarybestmanzilla, Escortzilla, and Musicianzillas--that'd be me and my Escortzilla, the lovely violin bearing Chelsea Henion, who was excellent at being both an escort and a violinist. She was also excellent at giving me a hard time, which was reciprocated to a great degree.

Also, Cha Cha has been consulted for a number of different things, such as discovering what the Mertyl capital of the world is. It's awesome.

I'm very tired. Almost too tired to write a blog post.

I will just say that I'm relieved that the wedding has happened and no longer has anything to worry about.

Also, I love my life.

In Which Our Protagonist Cannot Think of an Original Title

This afternoon, I went to the Salvation Army with dear Hannahbeth, who just yesterday told me of the treasures in store. On our way back to Granger, we stopped at Michiana Used so I could stock up on games for my newly rediscovered Super Nintendo. Upon arriving at my house, dear Meredith announced that we were going to Goodwill, where I purchased a couple ties and an antique typewriter. Then after dinner, my mother and I went to Target, where more things were purchased.

After all this, I took two large boxes filled with clothes to the Goodwill drop box.


I sometimes hate feeling like such a consumer. I spend and waste so much. I really don't want it to be that way.
I was thinking earlier about moving to Chicago, and how I would have to cut down on my earthly possessions to make moving more streamlined--especially if I'm not going to spend more than a couple years at a time in one residence.
And then again, it's just about the spending. I spend so much, and I don't like it. Yet here I am, planning my next vinyl purchases.
Bah.

At Hannahbeth's house, they have several small magnets with words on them. She told me to write a poem (please note: the poems already on the fridge are things like 'Do you want to scream music' and 'put them pants on')
So I wrote a poem.

Growing Up Too Fast/Not Fast Enough

I woke up early this morning to help a pair of dear friends (Nick&Soni) ready the art building for their wedding this Saturday. After we finished for the day, they showed me their recently moved into apartment. Directly after leaving, I went with my dad and my now married sister Caitlin to rent a Uhaul and load it so that her and her husband can move to Los Angeles.

All of this marrying and moving and apartmenting made me think an awful lot about the future, when I will be marrying and moving and apartmenting myself. I've always had in my mind that that is all so far off, and so I simply hid away inside my childish present and stayed away from the future. But in two weeks, I'm starting my final year of college, and I would really like to not move home for more than a month or two afterward. Chicago has been looking incredibly well lately, and packing Caitlin&Adam's things simply make me want to move there sooner. But, I've got a lot of growing up to do.

But as I was told at Brown City...it's not doing; it's being. Growing up isn't a matter of doing grown up things. It's a matter of being a mature, responsible, independent person. It's like I realized a few days ago. If I'm ever going to be the father and husband I need to be, I need to be that NOW. Not saying I need to get married and start poppin' out babies right away--far from it. I just need to prepare myself to be that man by being him now.

But as much as the future usually frightens me--I'm incredibly excited for it now.
But not without feeling sick of waiting for my future to come.

I guess I just have to start living in the present.

The Lord Will Have His Way

And so comes to pass eleven days at Brown City Camp. My expectations (both of what God was going to do and what might happen between myself and another) were completely off. There's just such a sharp contrast between last year and this year. There are a number of reasons why, I'm sure, such as a much larger load of responsibility and a much smaller and not-so-tightly-knit counselor staff. Also, there were many more problems between me and the director (much of it my fault, I admit.

But the Lord still moved. Last year, He spoke to me about stepping up and being the person I need to be, and so I tried to do that. Then this year He said, 'It's about BEING, not DOING.'

That is all for now. I'm just very glad to be home
(even though my family moved while I was gone, so it doesn't feel like home.)

I have a lot of boxes to go through.