Bachelaureate

My heart wants so badly to be with someone. Too badly. And it's getting my mind in trouble. I'm tired of my heart flippantly going between love to love to love, back and forth between several at a time. There is only one I'm interested in, and I have yet to find who that is. But I can tell you one thing: the only thing I want is a wife that loves me fiercely. And I will wait as long as it takes for me to find her.

Ought to Give Iowa a Try!

I'm used to flat terrain, but this is completely different. Over in South Bend, we're flat, but we're also near the lake, so the wind blows past us pretty conisistenly. Here, it's completely landlocked, so the wind just thrashes at the surface of the Iowan earth making it much colder than I packed for. Well...'packed' is a relative term. I forgot the bag with my changes of clothes at my house, so I had to pick up a pack of shirts and unmentionables from the Wal-mart next to the hotel. Also, it's an incredibly long drive to Iowa...especially if you drive two hours completely out of the way to visit your little sister at Taylor University before embarking on a seven and a half hour journey.

But the journey was worth it. There are cousins in my life that haven't been in my life for far too long. I hadn't seen my Uncle Quinton since eighth grade, I think, and I hadn't seen my Uncle Marlon in much longer. I hadn't seen my cousin Carrie since she left Bethel. I hadn't met her amazing daughter Jae Lynn. I hadn't seen my cousin Eric since middle school. I hadn't met my cousin Rachel's beautiful children. I hadn't seen her Susie in so long that I forgot she existed, and I hadn't met her husband and daughter.

But, I have to confess that I've had reservations about my grandmother. There were darknesses that I knew about that I had difficulty reconciling. The same with Chet (my father--not dad). And beyond that, there's a sort of jadedness in me toward 'old fashioned' spirituality, which was the place in my mind that she occupied. But at the memorial, a Chet I never knew (heard about, but never met) read a memoir he had written about a grandmother that I had never gotten the chance to know like everyone else there knew her. And I am so desperately wish I could have known her as she was described. I knew of her joy, and I knew of her passion for her family, and of her skills with making things with her hands. But I did not know of her passion for the Scriptures, or for missions, or her hospitality for anyone (apparently, ANYone) who was in need, or how she loved her husband so deeply and passionately and was a partner with him in everything. And I saw Chet as he read this...And I saw someone else inhabiting the body of the person who 'raised' me. My uncle introduced him with a reference to his magic pen, which I then saw for the first time. I had heard about how he had written, but I never met Chet the writer--or Chet the mischievous brother or Chet the beloved son.

And I looked at the darkness and I realized something that shamed me. How do I dare to preach grace to all, regardless of the magnitude of their sin, and not extend that grace to my own family? How dare I declare all sins equal and coverable by the blood of Christ, yet paint a picture of a brooding darkness in the lives of my ancestors?

And I realized then and there, that there is a very large difference between forgiveness and grace.
And I promise, when I found out more of what that means, I'll let you know.

But I learned today that there is no shame in the 'old fashioned' spirituality of those gone on before us. In fact, there is no difference between that and the post-post-modern ideals of those around me. Everyone has a place in God's plan, and the best anyone can do is to fill theirs fully. And I learned today that my grandmother did just that.

Insane in the Membrane

Yesterday was an absolutely hectic day. I haven't had a day where I just worked in frenzies on things for a solid chunk of time in a very long time, and that's exactly how yesterday was from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon, where I took an hour nap, and then woke up to once more frantically (but with a little more calmness) work on my giant word study in Hebrew. I finally got it done, and I'm feeling well about it, and things seem to almost be able to slow down a bit now. Lyndsey (who now has a booooooyfriend) and I are taking a trip to Iowa/South Dakota(maybe?) this weekend for our grandmother's memorial service. I hope I get a chance to relax on that trip. I'm so exhausted these days.

Tuesday night, I sat down and processed my internship and everything that happened during it for the first time since leaving, and I wept. It's not that I was grieved for any of it. That's just the way I process things. So much of my life began there, and I became someone I could actually see being used by God in a concrete manner...which is something that's always a little more abstract to me. There's a level of discipline and maturity I achieved there that seems to be missing from me now. I'm not too fond of that, but it gave me more reason to fight to have them again.

My grandfather spoke in chapel yesterday on the dangers of apathy and the waning of enthusiasm. It was something I greatly needed to hear.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

I don't understand grace or mercy at all.

A Release of Tension

This has been a trying week for me, complete with an insane weekend in the middle of it. On top of an illness that set me back a day of classes, I also had a series of large assignments (commentary comparison, sermon, etc) all due today. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was filled with friends coming to visit for the play, a pancake dinner at the Fischer's house, and me trying to juggle that with my studies and the rest I needed to combat my sickness and exhaustion. Let it be known: today, I am mostly free of it. That is, I am mostly well, I have finished the largest assignment, my homework is done, and my smaller extensions have been arranged to be turned in later. God be praised for gracious professors.

When I'm under as much tension as I've been under, I tend to become less vigilant in struggling against spiritual apathy and temptation. This has certainly been no exception. I let my guard down for a second, and the same sins crouching at my door pounced and came in legions. With them came a strange and terrifying thought.
For years, I was sure that I hated my sin, but the problem was that I loved myself too much. I cannot now deny that it might be truer to say that I love my sin, and hate my self. Because if I hated my sin, it would not be so tempting to me, and if I loved myself, it would not be so difficult to submit myself to God's plan, that includes my restoration and resurrection.
Eesh.

Besides that. I've come to a very strange in my life lately, where I can appreciate all of the things about a young woman that attracted me to her in the first place without being attracted to her. I'm incredibly thankful that the Lord sees fit to work our friendships in the way He seems fit. How could I have ever thought I had a better idea?

Oh, For a Life to Live

Yesterday was service day at Bethel College (because obviously, the entire commitment to community service mentioned in Bethel's mission statement can be fulfilled in a single day). I went with a group to a nursing home, where there was much laughter. I played checkers with a man named Jerry, who had a wife named Jerry, and a son also named Jerry. He said it's easy to remember. A man named Richard who couldn't remember his condition (but otherwise seemed to have it very together) told me about how he was an atheist in school 'because I didn't know any better,' and three years ago became a Christian. A woman named Avon yelled for orange juice repeatedly. We took a walk from some of the patients in the dementia unit. It was saddening, but rewarding to spend time with the residents who don't often get visitors.

I've been realizing more and more that my future is completely open. That, and my ministry doesn't have to look like what I've seen before. We went to a church in Chicago on Sunday that had a sort of emergent feel to it, but without the tendency to move away from the Scripture. That, and the possibility of a session at YWAM Lyon have gotten me to realize that my creativity does not at all have to be a stranger to my ministry. And furthermore, if I do end up going to YWAM, that still means I have nine months between graduation and leaving for France that are completely open. I talked with a singer/songwriter friend about the possibility of a tour...and just talking about that has made me realize that going on tour is a complete possibility. So are a thousand other things. I just want whatever the Lord has for me.
Oh, what life could be

Non-sequitor

I got this blog with the intention of updating every other day or so. Oh well. I suppose it's alright to neglect it if I'm doing more important things.
However, I don't really know if refreshing Facebook a hundred times a day counts as 'more important things...'

Last night, I went to a bonfire for my friend Trapp's birthday. I met several people (Paul, Josh, Ryan, ...steve? Maybe?) and saw a few friends again (Sam, Lucas, Pat, Trapp) that I haven't seen in a while. We sat around the fire passing an acoustic guitar back and forth. Then there was a segment of the night where Paul put the guitar in open D 5 tuning (nevermind this if you don't know what it means) and proceeded to play a bunch of old Dashboard Confessional tunes that Lucas and I hollared along to, not knowing all of the words, but hollaring all the same. Then we went to IHOP, where we all said in unison, 'Kyle' several times to get the attention of a friend of ours that is a server. He mostly ignored us. There were several other times where we would do something that would draw the entire restaurant's attention to our table. I also bartared for food with the saltines the waitress would give me. I ended up with a plate off scrambled eggs, hash browns, and bacon. Score.

The other day, I found a YWAM missionary school in Lyon, France that specializes in creative and artistic ministries--such as music. I've been thinking about going through YWAM since the summer after I graduated, and going to a base in France since this summer, but they only had two bases, and one of them was only a 3 month training while the other was in the country. Then the other day, I looked again, and this base had been established. It's on the outskirts of a major city, and six months long, three of which will be spent on the missions field, either to Asia, Africa, or Europe. Given the post-christian nature of the United States (to which I have been called), I would try to go to Europe.
But France has been on my mind a lot lately. This base comes out of nowhere. I talk to someone at the bonfire whose son spent time in a ministry in Paris. I meet someone from France. I use a website to find new music that is in French. Last night, my friends Kath, Lauren, and I had a conversation last night about how we all want to pick French back up.

My tour with Superbomb and Vine Street continues tonight in the Acorn. gia was talked about playing piano with us, but she became ill, and so is unable. She will be joining the band, however. The plans are also in the work to get booked for a Halloween show, which we will play in costume. Music has been taking my life by storm, and I have no complaints. I love music more now than I ever have.

I'm reading Ephesians right now. There's a lot of talk in there about being predestined, and good works being set aside for us to do in advance. In the past, I've almost avoided thinking of these things because I didn't all the sudden want to admit that I might be a Calvinist. But lately, I've been realizing that Calvinist and Arminian are not the only sides, just like how Catholic and Protestant aren't the only sides. One of the things I've been thinking lately is that Calvinist and Arminian are different sides of the same coin (then people mention that they contradict eachother in points, in which case I remember that they're largely [forgive me] man-made [however inspired] explanations of how they interpret the mysteries of God). But I don't want to get stuck on one side--I want to understand the whole coin. I want to understand the sacraments of Catholicism; the traditions of the Eastern Church; the fear of God in Reformed tradition; the trust in the Spirit of the charismatic denominations; the outreach emphasis of evangelical protestantism...etc.