Confession.

I don't trust You to not take absolutely everything away from me. Even after realizing that my feeling that You wanted to keep me from getting anything I wanted was completely false, I just feel like you went and proved it true.

I need to trust You.
And I need you to be patient with me.

Neun und Neunzig Luftballoons

It's strange how it comes back to my mind, even six years later.

Yesterday in Apologetics, the Chadmeister asked for experiences, good or bad, that we've had in evangelizing to others. I shared a story about an atheist I witnessed to with Travis and another guy from our youth group in eighth grade, but then right after, I thought of Nick. Nick, one of my closest friends in 10th grade, who was raised Catholic and then revolted against it, adhering to philosophies of Neitzche and others. He was the one guy that year that I wanted to bring to church so he might hear the Gospel and be saved.
And six years ago today, he committed suicide.

I still don't know what to do with that.

(sigh)

Thank you for making me feel like I might be wrong about myself.

Actual Confessions of a Less Achy Skeleton

Once in a while, I will come to a day where I feel like I cannot escape thinking that it might be the most truthful to say that I hate myself. Today was one of those days. In senior experience, the syllabus had a list of issues that we will be covering in the class. The topics ranged from 'Marrying the Person You Love' to 'Embracing Pain' to 'Dealing with Doubt.' The last topic was 'Learning How To Forgive Yourself.' I really need to learn how to do that.

I have a friend hoping that a certain situation with a hopeful significant other works out. Part of me wishes it doesn't work out, partly because I'm not sure if it would be the best, but most truthfully, probably because I feel like nothing like that has worked out for me, and why should I be the only one?
I hate myself for thinking that.

I worked for a sick friend tonight. As I walked out the door, my roommate Justin told me he loved me. I smiled, then took off out of the door as fast as I could, because if I would have let it sunk in, I probably would have started weeping right there. I really needed that to be said.

I feel like I pretend like I'm alright far too often. Granted, I'm a pretty optimistic person. I have seen in the past how God turns things to goodness and it has given me great peace. But there are days where I just feel so incredibly filthy. Today was absolutely one of those days.


To any one of you that I love: the reason I love you is because you make me think that maybe I'm wrong about myself.

Confessions of an Achy Skeleton

When I was a young teenager, I saw a commercial for mascara that started off by showing a woman's eye with clumpy mascara. A voice declared, "Hey, Tarantula eyes!" When my mom came home, I greeted her with the same catchphrase.

Years later, she would tell me that she immediately changed mascaras because of that.

Because Too Much Music has been In My Head

2008 was a music explosion for me.  Between discovering the Black Cab Sessions, la Blogotheque, Ruckus, and various vinyl purchases, I've heard and enjoyed and fallen in love with more music this year than ever before.  To make a list of everything I've discovered and loved would be a very difficult undertaking.  Instead, I will make a list of the most notable.  After all.  Tis the season for year end lists.

Bon Iver - "For Emma, Forever Ago"

this record has received more plays since I've received it than any other I have.  Every time I put it on, I can't believe how fantastic it is.  I know it's cliche to mention in an end of the year list, but I don't care.  It deserves it.

Radiohead - most notably, In Rainbows, Kid A, Amnesiac

My friend Kriss called In Rainbows a boring pop record.  I disagree.  I think it's one of the greatest pop records of all time...if your definition of pop is wide enough to include albums that feature an orchestra playing all twelve notes in the western music scale.  I got Kid A on vinyl and came to appreciate it so much more.  I found out Amnesiac existed in the summer and felt cheated.

Coldplay - Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends

The best material they've ever done and one of my favorite albums of all time.  Thank you, Brian Eno, for pushing Coldplay into dangerous waters.

Thrice - The Alchemy Index

Especially Vol III, Air, which I'd say is the strongest Thrice material ever released.  

The Album Leaf - Into the Blue Again

Tranquility in album form.

Fleet Foxes - s/t and Sun Giant EP

The most infectious melodies and harmonies you'll hear in a long time.  Take the Beach Boys, throw in an acoustic guitar, a mandolin, some xylophones, and Sub Pop's fantastic taste for talent, and bam.   A pair of records that you'll listen to over and over again.

Loney, Dear - Loney, Noir

Sweden just keeps putting out incredible musicians.  This guy is no exception.  It's almost like if Jonsi of Sigur Ros was the lead singer of a chamber pop orchestra.  Incredibly catchy and just genuinely excellent song writing.

Lykke Li - Youth Novels

Another Swedish gem.  Dance pop with Indie tendencies.  Fantastic record from a very young talent.  

Phosphorescent - Aw Come Aw Wry

A quirky, country tinged album.  It's so childish and fantastic.  You'll either love it or you'll hate it.  I love it.  

I haven't listened to the album Pride enough to make a decision, but that seems pretty fantastic as well.

Adam Arcuragi - Soldiers for Feet EP

A wonderful new song writer.  This is a collection of country songs sung by a non country singer.  Thick, rich harmonies and good, melancholy, nostalgic songs.   Check out "The Belgian"

There are many other notable additions, such as Noah and the Whale's "Peaceful, the World Lays me Down," the Great Lake Swimmers (whose material I wish was readily available on vinyl.  Darn little known bands on small budget record labels), and the Innocence Mission.  There are also many releases I wish I would have heard more of, like TV on the Radio's "Dear Science," Sigur Ros's new one, Man Man's "Rabbit Habits," and more.   

And of course, there's the growing love of Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, and more recently, Emmylou Harris that have been coming around, threatening to turn me into a country singer.

Music is so much more than the sum of its parts.  I don't understand it at all.

Christmas Day

I sometimes forget that the Jesus of Christmas is the same as the Jesus of Good Friday. The same Jesus that taught us to love and live by advocating the least and the lost and then dying for us all, regardless of class, race, gender, religion (YES, regardless of RELIGION). I forget that it's the same Jesus that healed lepers, defended the woman caught in adultery, revealed Himself as the Christ to a Samaritan woman given to promiscuity, and responded to a thief's plea of remembrance by assuring him that he would enter into Glory.
I forget it's the same Jesus that met me as a whirlwind, tearing apart everything in my life that wasn't attached to the earth of who I really am and replacing what was empty, superficial, and hollow with substance, depth, and goodness.
I forget that it's the same Jesus that I'm competing with to see how deep into selfishness I can go before He stops forgiving me, and to see how much He'll keep forgiving me until I see how much I'm worth.

God rest ye, merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay
You know that Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's power when we had gone astray