Once in a while, I will come to a day where I feel like I cannot escape thinking that it might be the most truthful to say that I hate myself. Today was one of those days. In senior experience, the syllabus had a list of issues that we will be covering in the class. The topics ranged from 'Marrying the Person You Love' to 'Embracing Pain' to 'Dealing with Doubt.' The last topic was 'Learning How To Forgive Yourself.' I really need to learn how to do that.
I have a friend hoping that a certain situation with a hopeful significant other works out. Part of me wishes it doesn't work out, partly because I'm not sure if it would be the best, but most truthfully, probably because I feel like nothing like that has worked out for me, and why should I be the only one?
I hate myself for thinking that.
I worked for a sick friend tonight. As I walked out the door, my roommate Justin told me he loved me. I smiled, then took off out of the door as fast as I could, because if I would have let it sunk in, I probably would have started weeping right there. I really needed that to be said.
I feel like I pretend like I'm alright far too often. Granted, I'm a pretty optimistic person. I have seen in the past how God turns things to goodness and it has given me great peace. But there are days where I just feel so incredibly filthy. Today was absolutely one of those days.
To any one of you that I love: the reason I love you is because you make me think that maybe I'm wrong about myself.
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