An Epic Yesterday and the Incessant Gnaw

Yesterday was one of the most eventful days of my life.

I went over to the Ferrises for lunch with Michelle, her mom (her dad was called away by something), dear Megan, Michelle's brother Steve, his wife Karin (who was having contractions every thirty minutes or so), and Little Manny, the beardless toddler, who I had finally met the day before in a mostly nude state (him, not me). After lunch, Michelle, Megan, and I took Manny to the park across the street, where we swung, played imaginary basketball, hung upside down, and were disappointed by a merry go round that only went around for a spin and a half before coming to a joy crushing halt, no matter how fast it was going when it was released.

After this, we dropped Megan off at the train station and then walked along the East Race (yes, we nearly always walk along the river, but this was in a different park) and people watched as we talked about many things.

Then, we went over to the home of the Grants, where we rendezvoused with Analiese and Grants Jonathan and Tyler to go to a private property reservoir where we had a lovely bonfire accompanied by my ghetto rigged boombox. Alysha came too. We had hotdogs in white bread buns. I pretended to throw Michelle in the water, then made her give me a piggy back ride.
That girl is amazing for handling me and all my weirdness.

After the bonfire dissipated, Michelle and I, still unexhausted from our adventures, drove down the Bremen Highway and pulled into a dark field and sat on the roof of my van and watched the stars and talked of many more things. While we were on the roof, her phone rings. Lo! It is her mother, calling to tell her that Karin is in the hospital! I jumped off my car and anticipated a drive to the hospital. She said we didn't need to go, so we just continued to talk inside my car. Then, her brother Ryan called, saying that he wanted to go to the hospital to see Steve & Karin and drop them off some snacks and magazines. We went to the grocery store quickly and then to the hospital, where Karin was feelin' fine on an epidural. She was wearing an oxygen mask because the baby's heartrate, shown on a monitor next to her bed, had been low. Beneath the monitor of the baby's heartrate was a monitor showing her contractions. We watched the line as it spiked higher and higher at more frequent intervals.
'Woah! That one's all the way to 100!' Steve said.
Karin turned to the screen, 'Really? Let me see!'
Epidurals are fine things, I'm told.

After about twenty minutes, Karin said, 'I think something is dripping on my leg. I think my water just broke.' How could she tell? She couldn't feel anything from the waist down. But, we got the nurse and went back to the Ferrises' house. We sat in Michelle's room for a few hours. Ryan found a story called 'Trimazon' that he had written (and never finished) in sixth grade and read Michelle and I select portions of it. Despite not being able to feel anything, Karin must have been right about her water breaking,because at three thirty in the morning, Dad Ferris walked upstairs to announce that she had the baby. We rejoiced, and I left.



This strange unhappiness started creeping over me on Friday. At first, I thought it was because I was out of town and missed Michelle--but when I saw her the next day, it wasn't satiated. Could I be unhappy with the way things have been going? Absolutely not. I couldn't be happier. Maybe I was just getting used to the idea that pretty soon, I will be away in Chicago, and that I hadn't really thought about that. Still, that wasn't it. I was talking with Michelle about it yesterday at the East Race, throwing these ideas out. She suggested that maybe I was just getting used to the relationship. Then, I think I got it.

I feel guilty.

Two years ago, I realized that I had been harboring this feeling that no matter what I wanted, God would never let me have it by virtue of teaching me contentment or something vague like that. Right after realizing that, the earthquake of whatever it was that I felt for Chelsea came, and I thought that God was then revealing to me what I wanted. Fifteen months of pursuit later, that feeling was only reinforced. How could I believe that God wants to give me what I wanted if He just spent fifteen months keeping it from me? I couldn't. I couldn't believe that. I still have a hard time believing that.

And so here I am with THE most amazing girlfriend in the world (don't argue, you'll just embarrass yourself) thinking, 'There's absolutely no way that God could have brought this about. He doesn't give me what I want. I must have done this myself.'
Funny, considering that my most natural reaction throughout the course of letting things happen was to run away and just give up on the whole thing.

I was driving today, and I started praying. 'God, thank you for bringing this about.'
'Do you finally believe that I brought this about?'
I teared up a little bit.
'I think I'm starting to.'

I still have so far to go.