Waiting to Wake Up, pt. II

There's this feeling in the darkest part of me that I'm doing something terribly outside of God's plan. And that feeling comes out of the feeling I've been coming out of the past couple years that God will never let me have what I want, and I've been very pleased with the way things are going lately--so pleased that the nagging part of me that still doubts the goodness of God tells me, 'there's no way in Hell you're doing the right thing. He would never allow this.'

I love knowing that that voice is wrong.

After being hung up on someone for over a year with absolutely no reciprocation of feeling, I can't tell you how strange it is to be met with returned affection. Or how strange it was initially to realize that I was free from feelings, and free from them coming back. Funny, over spring break, I told myself that I probably shouldn't pursue a dating relationship anytime soon, because I wasn't sure that I could stay committed if Hung-Up girl suddenly realized that she had feelings for me after all. And so, I drifted with several half-crushes and attractions, trying to learn how to not hate myself while wallowing in a sort of passive cowardice.

Then, something strange happened.

I was in the art building with Sonia helping her move her submissions for the art show onto the table. Inside of the art building was my friend Michelle, who I had a huge crush on freshman year and now was glad to have caught up with thanks to our senior experience class. I talked to her for a few minutes, and then had a startling thought.
'I wouldn't mind dating Michelle. At all.'
Then a chill ran down my spine, because I knew that meant I had to tell her, and that terrified me.

I can't tell you how easy it would have been to have ignored that and kept living the same way I was. But I resolved to tell her. And she shook my hand, then told me that she liked me too. But, we both didn't want to rush into anything, so we agreed to just let things happen and see where they go.

The past couple weeks have surprised me in finding out where exactly things have gone. Turns out that not even the complex I've developed of refusing to accept that someone I'm attracted to could return my feelings could stop me from realizing that this feeling is very mutual. But, as I told her before, I didn't want to make a decision based on feelings alone (if I did that, I would have made up my mind a long time ago). So the past few nights, we've been talking about ways that the other has affected us (such as the numerous lessons of grace and compassion) and non-emotional aspects of our friendship (such as the way she gives me permission to be all of myself, flaws and all), and we decided that we were going to make this official and call ourselves a couple.

But, a few things were stopping us. I wanted to ask her parents first, and she wasn't sure that she was ready. Obviously, I wasn't going to go into a relationship as the only one ready for it, so we decided to wait until she felt ready.

Her feeling ready ended up being Sunday night. But, I still hadn't talked to her parents. So last night at nine thirty, I drove to her house (sans Michelle) and was greeted by her parents in the family room. "What was it you wanted to talk to us about, Nat?" her dad asked.
"Well, I have a story. Do you want the long version or the short version?"
"Short version. We're old and we're about to go to bed here pretty soon."

So I explained quickly that Michelle and I had been seeing where things go, and they knew where that has been, and asked if they would be okay with that.

"Well," her dad said, "Michelle's a smart kid, and I trust her, and I trust the decisions she makes" (he must have said this about five times) "and I trust you with her, so yeah."
"You have our blessing," her mom said, smiling.

We talked for a while--they asked what I majored in and where I was going in life. For whatever reason, my moving to Chicago always comes up, but I always remind those that ask that Chicago is not far. At some point, her mom looked at me with a puzzled look on her face and said, "I thought you were two were already dating." I laughed.

Michelle and I went to the diner, and then to the park afterward and just sat in my car talking and listening to music. And every once in a while, this whirlwind will rush through me
'This is really happening'

And I can hardly believe it.

This is really happening.