A Hall of Open Doors, a Street of Green Lights

Tonight, I am going to Chicago to go apartment hunting with Kriss & Mellie. I am so incredibly excited to finally get into the city and live and play my music and meet everyone. It's all I've ever wanted.

It's strange, though, the validation I've been getting for this. Every time I've played at Fiddler's Hearth lately, Al always says, 'Sounds like they like you, Nathaniel,' in this sly voice like he knows something big is going to happen. And others, two of the most talented performers in particular, just tell me how much they enjoy it. And with every voice that says that, I get this feeling that says, 'this is what you were made for.' (I have to admit, I kind of hate getting flooded with compliments like that. I want to get to know the people at Fiddler's, not just get to know how much they enjoy my music)

Last night was the missionary church banquet with the district superintendents and other pastors from the denomination. As a missionary church brat, I am incredibly jaded towards its political agendas and departure from its egalitarian, pacifist roots. Also, I've been feeling like the denomination will look at what I'll be doing in Chicago and say, 'That's not ministry. You're not going there to be a missionary. You are going there to have fun being a rock star, and we all know it.' I went to the banquet not wanting to, even though it wasn't required, because I knew it would probably do no harm. It did the opposite of harm, actually. They talked about how the denomination is restructuring to be more organic with less emphasis on church buildings and pastors and more emphasis on individuals doing ministry in their own contexts. I talked with Steve Jones, DS of the Central district about my plans, and he was completely supportive. When asked, he even said that if I felt called to ask for support from members in the denomination, I should do that.

Afterward, I drove to my parents' house feeling this strange mix of guilt and depression, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I had a thought. 'What if the reason you feel bad is because you can't handle validation, because you can't handle the idea that maybe you're right about something.'

Yeah. About that. I'm so used to just walking through whatever door I see until it shuts in my face. And I'm so used to them shutting on me that don't know what to do when the door is opened even wider and I'm ushered in.

'You're just going to have to get used to it,' the voice in my head says.
Lord, thank You.