Coming to Understand that it's Unimportant to Understand

I am a slave to my heart and to my mind. My heart feels things far too big for me to contain, and then my mind looks around and sees things that support those feelings.
And now, I have to learn that everything I've thought for the past year was the way things were going to be for the rest of my life isn't necessarily correct at all, and I have to learn that my mind and my heart don't always see things that clearly.

I don't understand anything at all.

For the past year, I thought I understood my future, and I thought I knew the woman that would stand beside me until the bitter end. That is, until last night, when I talked to that young woman and was given a hard answer.


I know how I operate. I know how my mind plays tricks and holds on. Things like, 'if I don't expect anything to happen, then it will,' or 'if I let her go, then we'll get married.'
How foolish.

I made a deal with the Lord--'You find me a wife, I'll just try to find You.' And three days later, there she was, as plain as anything. So I pursued her. And now, I can't help thinking that if I would have pursued Him more and her less, we would be together now (or someday), or whatever. And now, my pursuit of her is over, and all I have left is pursuing God.
Truth be told--I don't even know what that means.

But I guess I'm going to do it?