Jehovah Jireh?

An excerpt from my internship journal...

I’m leaning more and more on God these days—but only because I have to. I’m trying very hard not to worry about things (finances in particular), but when the backup plans I had fall through, I lose confidence in His provision. I think I have this strange idea in my head that while God may not put me through what I can’t survive, He’s only interested in preserving my life. However destitute and impoverished and beaten I become, I look to Him to provide and imagine Him saying, ‘You’re alive, aren’t you?’ I need to know what it is to trust—but I just wish I would have a safety net. Funny…isn’t He my safety net? Strange how much faith we think we have until we have to actually depend on Him. And the same with this 'situation'…a year ago when this whole thing got started, I was so sure it was the Lord saying to me, ‘See? I really do want to bless you more than you can imagine,’ and since, it doesn’t feel like that much at all. It feels more like He’s just waving something incredible in front of me, just out of reach of my arms. Why can’t He just let me have it instead of teasing me relentlessly? I hate how He always knows best, because so often, it’s the opposite of what I think is best. He knows what I want, and…
I can’t have what I want on my terms. That wouldn’t be fair to me. I just wish it didn’t have to be this hard to trust. I know that I’m learning to trust, but it’s one lesson that I know is going to stretch me further than I want to be stretched.
I’m trying to be okay with it. I really am. Just right now, I’m very frustrated. I’m very angry at Him…but I think it’s more of me being angry that I can’t understand Him, which isn’t always a bad thing. It just wears on me sometimes.