I keep hearing that men don't stop growing until twenty-five.

I woke up late today. By 'late,' I mean five minutes later than I'm supposed to leave. That does not necessarily give one time enough to read two chapters in the Bible and arrive at work in a timely fashion. God offers forgiveness--this is not as true of the Bethel College Physical Plant.
Driving, I said, 'God, take my work today. I know how dangerous it is to say that, but do whatever You will, and I'll deal with it.'

I said that once at Subway, and one of the more reliable employees didn't show up, then I had a mid day rush of Amish people that all wanted extra meat and mayonnaise, and I was the only one working. I always expect something like this to happen whenever I let God have whatever it is I'm letting Him have.

But overall, it was a really good day. We set up for an event in the gym, were fed donuts and McDonald's, then hung pictures in an office with some really fun ladies working there. One of them knew my mom. We laughed a lot, and when we left, Raymond said he wished there was more for us to do in that office, because they were so enjoyable. I agreed.

As I drove off, the same thing happened again where I felt myself open up and get poured out and filled back up. I took a breath and filled to bursting with life. I turned my favorite radio show off so I could hear Him and hear what I had to say to Him more clearly.
And He said,
'See? I don't always take advantage of you offering yourself.' Sometimes, He just wants us to enjoy life.

Oh, my God.


I keep having this memory from Christmas break playing through my head again and again. I come into the elevator and sit next to you against the wall, and we just ride up and down as you tear loose threads from the holes in my jeans. She smiles and presses the elevator buttons for the kids that get on and off.

::edit::
I just want this process of being who I need to be to hurry up. God, please. I'm sick of myself.


Part II: thousands, thousands in the valley of decision.

The conflict came to an apex tonight. I heard very clearly, 'you can choose what is going to happen, right now. It is either you, or it is Me.'
I wanted to choose Him so badly. Oh my God, I want to choose You. But I couldn't. I chose me, even though I knew exactly what I was doing, more clearly than I ever have before.

I know what You would demand of me. You always tell me, 'I don't want your time/money/job/things. I want you. Only you.' I want to give that. I want so much to go back to my reckless abandon I had when I first got saved. I want so much to go back to that unapologetic boldness I had in the fall. But that requires everything. And I've accumulated so much the past several months that would need to be given over. I want to just throw it all at Your feet, but I'm trying too hard to hold it all up.

I'm sick of waiting for Brown City or some church event or when I start my internship to make the choices that need to be made. I want to choose You over me every time.
But I'm so conflicted.

I need a miracle.