Open, Pour, Empty, Wait.

I was unusually tired at work today, even after getting seven hours of sleep (compared to Sunday night's four, after which I felt awake enough to work fine). I just wanted to fall back to sleep every time I had an idle moment. Except for the last half hour of work, where I got a pretty lengthy idle moment in which memories of things I have done and regret came back without their usual shame. My mind started to move between the possibilities until I had to stop it and remind myself, 'That is no longer who you are.' As much as I say Nathaniel Tschetter is dead, I sometimes have to wonder how many of his habits Nathaniel FitzGerald picked up from knowing his history so well. (I have a hearing for my adoption on Friday--hopefully the FitzGerald is at least finalized then)

Whatever the case, I have let myself wander too far back into shadows I have lived before. Here, I am selfish. Here, I am isolated. I am proud and invulnerable. I have too much time for myself and very little for the Lord.
Change is a process, but it starts with a single step. I've been kind of inching toward the light, and it's not nearly fast enough for me. I want to run out of the shadows into everything illuminated and beautiful and terrifying.

After work today, I spent some time with my friend Chris. We've been trying to keep eachother accountable to different things, so we talked about those things (however briefly) while at Guitar Center and then Burger King. Then, I dropped him off at his house, and started driving away. It was raining ever so slightly, and the occasional drop of rain hit my windshield with a small tap. And I felt as if my entire being was opened up in front of God and poured out. I didn't even know what started it (do I ever?), but I don't have to. I just want Love; for Him, for others--for myself.
I'm worth so much more than what I've been letting myself onto.

I miss everyone in Port Huron. I want to see them so badly that it physically hurts when I think of it.
In two weeks, I'll be in Utica for my internship, fifty minutes away from the Port and everyone I love there.

I can't wait.



And You; take everything.