A pinch to grow several inches.

It is really no surprise for me to say that I am really not the tallest man in the world. In fact, far from it. In fact, I am quite short: a mere five foot seven at last measure, which is a full two inches shorter than the national average.

It might however be a surprise for me to say: I'm actually very self-conscious about that.

I've said it. And despite all that I may say or what may seem, it's very, very true. Through high school, I had friends that were much taller. I felt short, yeah, but I could always say that I hadn't hit my growth spurt yet. And as time goes on, I keep hearing more and more statistics that men don't quit growing until age twenty-five and stories of people that grew eight inches in a year at age twenty. My mom used to always tell me that she grew two inches her senior year of college. I come home on holiday, and my mom always tells me I look taller. In fact, between last fall and at present, I actually DID grow an inch or so.

But as time wears on, that hope becomes more and more vain. And so I resolve myself to my height, but never completely. As much as I try to tell myself, I don't know if I'll ever stop hoping that I'll grow an extra inch or four or five.

Lately, it's gotten ridiculous. A contested matter of height between a wonderful friend did little to resolve the issue and much to frustrate me to the point where I just got angry for her for such a stupid thing, even as much as I love her.
I've never been that upset over my height before, and it got me thinking if I really am okay with all parts of who God made me.

And I really have to say--
I'm not.

I work a physical job, and there are certain things I can't do, like reach the pedals of the work van with ease, or reach light fixtures, and to rub it in more, my shortest coworker is at least three inches taller than I am. And of course, it comes up, and I joke around about it too, but how much of it is funny to me anymore?
I want to be able to protect the ones I love. I want to be a comfort to them. I want to make them feel safe when they're with me because I'm strong enough to carry them. And I know that what is spiritual is what counts, but when you feel like you can't physically protect someone...

It just makes me feel so (grumble grumble) insufficient.


I want to come to understand the mind of God more--the God that chose the weak to shame the strong, and the foolish to shame the wise. And would it be a stretch to say the short to shame the tall?
I want to understand the all sufficient grace of Christ.
I want to come to know who it is He has made me to be.

But sometimes, I can't get around what's right in front of me.


And so it comes to this first step of confession.
I, Nathaniel FitzGerald, am short, and my perspective is completely off and I don't know how to change that.
I just know that He does.