the place I spend each recent day

I've been dreaming at night again. I don't remember what happens when I wake up like I used to, but I just remember that things were the way I would like them to be (specifically in one situation).

I've fallen back into my defeatist mindset. Victory seems so unattainable that I just disregard it and accept defeat before the battle is even over (or sometimes, even begun). I want to claim victory, but defeat is so much easier, and sometimes much more gratifying at the time. I want to say that I will not allow myself to compromise anymore, but it's so much easier to say that outside of the battle than when the offer of giving up the fight is dangling on a tree in front of me, looking so ripe.
I say that it's up to me to get myself out of this pattern--just to choose what I know I should choose, and that God is just waiting for me to do that, and I am forestalling His plans until I choose to obey it (true to a point)

But there has to be something He can do. There's got to be a way for Him to pull me out. There has to be, because I thought the solution was in my own obedience, and when the time came, I found myself completely unwilling to obey.

Yesterday in the car on the way to church, I knew that God was going to do something in me there, but I really really really didn't want there to be an altar call, because I knew I needed it, and I hate going up to the altar when I'm with my parents. I don't know why, and I hate that I hate it.
The message was about Gideon, and being made a mighty warrior by God even though you feel that you are nothing special at all ('My tribe is the least of the tribes of Israel, and my family is the lowest of our tribe...')

And, true to God's form, there was, in fact, an altar call.
So I decided to swallow my sonly pride and respond as soon as the offer was given.

Then, my mom came up too. I just waited for my dad to come up, but he didn't. I'm not sure if he needed to--God can work just fine with people in seats.
Still...


I'm just waiting for the Lord, trying (halfheartedly as it may be) to stay obedient until He arrives.